Before it happened, I had terrible OCD around getting fired. I had just gotten a promotion to a completely new role and my boss, who had usually been very supportive, quickly started pulling back. I was anxious every day that they would fire me. So I did compulsion after compulsion every time the thought came into my head.
For example, I didn’t allow myself to use a specific facial product — an exfoliator — on workdays, because for some reason using it would mean I would get fired. I would do mental compulsions, avoiding specific songs or TV shows that centered around someone getting fired or left behind.
And then the day before I was pretty sure it was going to happen — I broke down and spiraled. I cried and when I spoke to my therapist, she told me it was most likely just my OCD and that I probably wouldn’t get fired. It actually made me feel a bit more relaxed — it’s just my OCD.
But no, it wasn’t just my OCD. I also have really good intuition. So while my OCD responded to something I was very intuitive about, it still really happened.
When the bad thing happens
The bad thing my OCD was supposed to prevent happened. I actually got fired several months after the initial worry.
And my OCD didn’t stop it. It hadn’t done a single thing to stop it. It only made me anxious for several months before, constantly worrying about the bad thing happening and not actually preparing or making a decision (such as finding another job and quitting).
The funny thing? I didn’t feel anxious when it actually happened. It wasn’t really that bad. The world didn’t crumble. I hardly even cried about it after — not like I did before.
The bad thing happened and I survived.
How the reality of the bad thing helped me
While losing my job is not the same as some of my other obsessions (such as someone I love getting harmed), it actually happening showed me that OCD couldn’t impact the outcome. I did compulsion after compulsion, and it didn’t change the outcome. In fact, it may have actually made the outcome more likely because I was so anxious and unable to make good decisions based on my intuition.
An inability to cope with uncertainty is at the heart of OCD. And whether I got fired or not from my job was always uncertain. There were many things I couldn’t control, such as the company restructuring and me no longer being needed in my role. That was out of my hands, and no amount of doing compulsions could change it.
While I’m still healing my OCD, it’s these big moments of change where life throws me a curveball that are actually helping. Rather than viewing them in a negative light, I’m viewing them as lessons that I can’t control anything outside myself — that uncertainty is certain. And I’m starting to get more comfortable with it.
What I will do next time I’m constantly worried about getting fired
To make sure this doesn’t happen again — because I’m sure this worry will come up in another job — I’m going to do the following next time I’m worried:
- Truly assess the situation and find real evidence: Is there actual evidence that I’m not performing well? Is there evidence the company is going through a big change? Are there any other pieces of evidence that something is wrong?
- Think about what I can control in the situation: If it seems like my performance is slipping, I can address it directly with my boss. If it seems like the company is going through a big change, I need to make a decision: either stay knowing it’s a risk or start finding another job.
- Actually take action: Rather than just being in my own head, I need to make a decision and stick with it. Actually coming to a decision will help stop the constant rumination.
Have you ever dealt with OCD about getting fired? If so, how did you deal with it?
Photo by Nastuh Abootalebi on Unsplash